Tension

During my Sophomore year of college I took a Jan-term class in the UK. On the last evening of our trip one of my fellow classmates, Adam Ederwiser, decided to ask me to marry him...
Adam is tall, about 6'4". He's studying Theology and likes to answer all questions, even when his answers are incorrect. We are NOT compatible and I laughed off the request (both times).

After returning to the US I saw very little of Adam. On Valentines Day I was leaving my night class behind Adam, I had straightened my typically frizzy hair and it was pouring rain. I was focusing on getting back into the dorm before the rain ruined my hair. (My vanity will be my ruin!) When I was half-way across the parking lot Adam yelled to me, "Hey Maggie will you go on a date with me?" I was very focused on the rain and my hair at this point and the fog must have addled my thought because before I knew what I was saying I yelled back, "I'd LOVE to!" WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!

By the time I got over the shock of what I had agreed to I went to my room and had a message on the good old Facebook. After convincing him that 4:30pm was WAY too early for dinner we finally agreed on a time and a date. He replied, "I will be wearing a charcoal gray suit with purple or gold underlays, what would you like to match with."
1. I DON'T MATCH
2. IT'S A FIRST DATE!!!!! NOT A SUIT WORTHY OCCASION!

The fated day and time came. He showed up at my door explaining that, "I was going to get a cab but it fell through, I hope you're ok with the bus."... I drove. In the car: "I would have a car but instead I have this $500 suit."

Then we got to the restaurant and were WAY overdressed. We sat down to dinner which was mediocre at best. The salad bar was wilted lettuce with canned veggies still soaking in their juices. The soup was so salty you couldn't taste anything else and the rolls were cafeteria rolls served with smart butter. To Adam it was "the best soup in our town!" So we know he has a bad taste in food, I might have been able to deal with that, then he started to chat...
1. He knows nothing about delicious cuisine
2. He DISSED DISNEY!!!!!
3. He told me the Muppets were better than Disney because they understood that children have a different Psychology than children.
4. He dissed country music
5. He dissed Frank Sinatra!!!

I could have handled the top 4 and he warned me that he wasn't all that good at smalltalk before we breached the topic of music. The conversation continued

Me: I like Jazz too, I really like Frank Sinatra

Adam In a pompous know it all tone: Oh Frank Sinatra is fine but not as good as people who have done COVERS of Frank Sinatra. He just doesn't have enough tension in his music. You know that really good tension...15 minutes later... Sometimes I worry that there won't be tension in eternity. You know that really good tension, but then I know there has to be. That's just the HUMBLE opinion of a MASTER in Theology.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!! At this point the waitress saved us by bringing the check. But let's backup... A MASTER IN THEOLOGY! FRANK SINATRA NOT BEING BETTER THANT THE PEOPLE WHO COVERED HIS MUSIC!!!! THIS GUY IS CRAZY! And a sophomore in an undergrad program studying Theology he is neither a Master in theology nor a master in music and therefore should not make brash comments about either!!!!!

Adam didn't talk to me much the rest of that year, but since then he has asked me to marry him once more making the running total 3 proposals in 3 years. My answer is consistently NO.

Starbucks Boy

All had been going well, I'd been avoiding awkward boys and having time to focus on my studies. This seemed to be important as I recently had a 50 page paper/assessment to turn in that would dictate weather or not I am adequate as a future teacher. To assist my study and writing I decided to spend the Sunday before the due date of this "Totally Painless Assessment" working at various coffee shops around my town. After I overstayed my welcome at the first two institutions I moved to the world of corporate coffee and set up camp Starbucks. Sat down with my coffee and promptly began to work.

This was all going well TPAing, checking Facebook, checking my email, looking at the TPA, thinking about how I would love no more than to spend the beautiful Sunday typing commentaries about lessons I taught. All of a sudden a young(ish) man interrupts my hard work and concentration to complement my shoes. I don't blame him, cute red shoes cannot be ignored, but it didn't stop. He kept talking...and talking...and talking. "I just have to ask you what are you doing on your computer?" Quickly directing away from my pinterest boards and Facebook stalking I truthfully responded, "Oh I am VERY BUSY writing a 50 page paper for my student teaching experience." The goal was to deter any further conversation. Apparently deterring strange people is a skill I need to practice. After a short conversation I turned back to my work, but 15 minutes later I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was him. "Hey so I'm headed out but I was wondering if we could, like, exchange information or something so we could talk sometime? Maybe get coffee?" Thinking about all my stranger danger classes and all the things my roommates would say I quickly said, "OH SURE!" (shoot I really need to practice saying No). Well that was that, I gave him my number, off he went, and I finished my TPA!!!!!!!

I nearly forgot about the entire encounter until Wednesday when he called as I was beginning the 30min drive to the contra dance across town...

"Hi, this is Franklin Kooper, we met at Starbucks the other night."
"Oh Hi!" I happily responded and we exchanged a few pleasantries but he just kept on talking. First it was about the movie he had just gone to see with his friend John. Then a description of the screenwriters journal his mother purchased for him for his birthday which would be on Friday. He proceeded to explain how he decided he wanted to be a screenwriter. "So when I graduated community college in the late 90's (Note the writer of this blog was 8 or 9 at that point) I decided I wanted to go to Evergreen College to study Journalism. I planned to return to this town to start my own newspaper. When I was getting close to graduating I found an add that offered the first 10 minutes of a 30min Psychic session free.  I usually don't put much stock in Psychics unless they have some proof, but I decided why not and went to ask her about a girl I was interested in dating and what I should do after graduating. She told me that after I graduate, in the future, I would be working on Hollywood. I knew I didn't have the skill to be an actor so I deducted she must mean I would be a screenwriter. I decided not to tell anyone about the Psychic and instead let the power that she saw lead me to my destiny. So in 2006, after I graduated, I moved back to the town I grew up in and got a job at a parking job, which I still have by the way. Soon the energy the Psychic saw lead me to meeting my soon to be friend John who also wants to be a screenwriter on Hollywood. It was clearly destiny..."

By this point I had been standing outside of the dance for nearly 10 minutes and really needed to get off the phone so I could enjoy my evening. I politely excused myself from this conversation. Franklin promised to call me again within the next few days.

He called again Sunday (I missed the call). He called on Halloween (i missed it). He called tonight, I picked up. He promised to call again in the next few days, sadly I don't think that the energy the Psychic saw was leading him to me. In fact I'm fairly certain that the energy should be moving him Far Far Far Away!

The Mormon Boy

I must preface this story with the note that I enjoy the company of Mormons and they are in general the nicest, friendliest, most helpful people I have met. 

To make a long story short I re-met this guy, Matt, contra dancing one evening. He is friends with my tall friends (only one of whom is actually tall) and after the dance we hung out for a bit, Matt asked me a lot of questions, and finally it was time for me to leave. Midnight is any city is kind of scary and Matt offered to walk me to my car (what a gentleman). We got down to the car, I was about to leave and he says..."Hey so Maggie* I think you're really cool, we should hang out sometime and go horse back riding or something." Well horseback riding is awesome so I agree and give him my number. 

The next day he texts me to see what day works and we decide on Saturday. Up to this point I have assumed that it will be friends riding horses...I was wrong. The next texts that come in go as follows...

Matt:
The horses are out in Apple Orchards, you can meet me there or I can pick you up. 


Me:
Sweet what's the address, I live all the way across town so I'll drive.


Matt:
OH NO! It's not a big deal AT ALL for me to pick you up. NOT AT ALL!


(1 minute later)


Matt:
id really like to pick you up


Shoot! this is a date. I've been hijacked into a date pretty much and I am NOT ok with that...except there will be horses and I get to ride them so I guess it'll be alright. My good friend Dan reminds me that "this guy is probably an ax murderer and planning to take you out to the woods on horse back and dispose of your body." In future I'm supposed to remember, "If it's a guy and a girl hanging out one on one it's a Date." and if a stranger asks me out on a date I'm to say"I'm sorry I have to check my calendar" and call Dan to get approval. 


So we agree on Saturday, he's to pick me up at 11:30.
11:30 comes...and goes, 12:30 comes...and goes, about 1 pm I get a call that he got lost and is almost here. Finally at 1:30 he arrives, a little frazzled having driven an hour past my house. (For the record I gave him very good directions, there's a roller skating rink near hour house and a giant sign on the main road with an enormous arrow that points almost directly to our house). But he got here and we headed down to see the horses. He did almost hit the car ahead of us as he was telling me that the only time he gets into car accidents is in Wal-mart Parking lots. 


Now I haven't grown up riding horses but I do know a little basic horse care. 
1. Always brush your horse before putting the saddle on him/her. 
2. Never tie a horse to a gate with a knot. In the event that the horse rears back it could injure itself and others. 
3. Never make any sudden movement around a horse so as not to spook it. 


Matt grew up riding horses...maybe he didn't get the best training.... He has two horses Brownie (a brown chestnut that is about 14 hands high) and Snowflake (a beautiful Dapple Gray who is close to 17 hands high). They both looked like they needed a good brushing and maybe a sugar cube or two. They were tied by the reigns to the fence. Matt grabbed Brownies saddle and tossed it over the fence then got him ready. However, when he threw Snowflake's saddle over the fence the horse reared back, broke the reins, and pulled the fence over...that's why you don't tie the reins I guess. So Matt, flustered and a little embarrassed, tried getting re-catching the horse while I worked on setting the fence back up again (He really wanted to pretend he didn't want my help, but what was I supposed to do? Stand around helpless! I AM NOT HELPLESS!) 


In the end we got on the horses and road around the roads for awhile. The entire time Matt asked me questions. "So you're getting your Associates?" "No I'm getting my Bachelors." "Oh so it's a two year Associates program." "No it's a four year Bachelors in Education program." ...and it went on and on. 


It was fun riding horses, and Matt was very nice. As far as any sort of chemistry even for just friendly conversation it was non-existent. In the end he drove me back to my house and made me wait so he could open the door for me. Than asked me for a hug, told me I was cute, and left. I walked inside. 


The whole matter passed as did the months. He texted me on Valentines day and St. Patrick's Day but other than that I didn't hear or think of him. I can't say so much on his part. 


About two weeks ago, after contra dancing, I was talking to my tall friends again. John asked me, "So Maggie, honestly how often does Matt call you. Now be honest because he tells me." 
 Sort of confused I reply, "Um...he doesn't call me, I've not spoken with him since our "date.""
John, Jason, and Katie all exchange awkward looks and John voices, "well I don't know an easy way to say this but you kind of have a stalker.... well not an actual stalker, he can't use Facebook or anything, just a mental stalker. He pretty much thinks you're the greatest thing ever." Katie added, "In a two hour car ride we counted him saying your name 45 times! "Maggie is so beautiful, she's so tall, she's amazing, she and I would be perfect together." I then reminded him, "Matt, Maggie isn't mormon..." here Jason chimed in, "and with that he turned to me to say, "oh Jason, Maggie is just amazing! You two would be so great together."Here it would be good to note that Jason is a sound Atheist. Katie and I laughed because apparently in Matt's mind if you're not Mormon it doesn't really matter, so naturally an Atheist and Christian would be perfect for one another. 


So ends the saga of the mormon boy matt. 

"You're tall, but worth the climb"

Apparently it's common knowledge that young women alone in cars should never pick up hitch hikers. NEVER! The problem with this is that sometimes the person walking on the side of the road looks like they need help, or they walk towards your car when you are at a stop sign, or you have some other moment of weakness and end up with a stranger in your car. This is NOT recommended, however, on the occasion that it does happen you are very likely to get a great story out of it.

Two summers ago I was driving home, there was an older man at the stop sign where I was turning (insert moment of weakness) and the next thing I know I was offering him a ride. Naturally I ask him where he's going and where he's coming from. He had left New York at the wee small hours of the morning and gotten on a flight to Ohio, then changed planes to Denver. He had grabbed a bus from DIA to Denver, gotten a ride to Golden, walked to the Stop sign and needed to get to Red Rocks. He on his way to a Phish concert...he was getting there 3 days early to help set up. Anyways as were passing by the Hot Tub cabins he begins to comment on my height. The monologue commences with, "If anyone tells you, You're tall but worth the climb, don't go with them...I said that to one of my ex-wives once...ah but she was worth the climb..." At just about that point I decided it was time to get him out of my car and take a sneaky way home so he'd never follow me or find me ever EVER again!!!!!

Moral....DON'T PICK UP OLD MEN HITCH HIKERS!!!!!!

Scotsman clad in kilt....

There's an old song "the Scotsman Song" which has been sung by Bryan Bowers, a folk singer in the Pacific Northwest, for many years. I learned this great piece of music at the age of 7 and have been singing it in churches taverns around the world since. Last week to my joy Bryan Bowers was having a house concert here in this lovely city I reside in. Naturally, I had to go, I've been listening to his music since I was born... which gives somewhat of a clue to his age. So my roommate and I decided to go to this concert, at someone's house, we show up and we are the youngest people there by at least 20 years. But the music was great and Bryan Bowers is a wonderful story teller on top of it, I wish I was that good at telling stories. After the first set the musicians took a break and there were snacks and CDs for sale. Being in such close proximity to this musical legend was thrilling, my sister and I were almost certain he was dead (like Shel Silverstein). The conversation transpired:
Me: Hello sir, I'm Deloris* and I'm so excited to hear you tonight! I've been singing "The Three Wet Pigs" since I learned to talk! It is such a pleasure to see you in person.
Bryan: Oh, it's a pleasure meeting you, that's funny I often have parents tell me they have raised kids on my music but it's rare that one of the kids comes to tell me that.

About 10 minutes later
A person comes up behind me...really close behind me, I move to get out of the way
Bryan: oh no I want to say this quietly...So it's really funny that you listened to me growing up because it's usually the parents telling me about their kids and not actually the kids and now you come up and I have this tall, beautiful, young, blond filly standing in front of me and I find my self lusting after you...

He might have said more but I wasn't really paying attention, I was caught on "I find myself lusting after you" HE'S 77! ALMOST 3 TIMES MY AGE!!!!!!!!!! and he told me he was LUSTING AFTER me! Totes creepy! I don't think I'll ever listen to his music the same way again! EVER!!!!!

*My name is not actually Deloris, but if I was a 77 year old woman looking for a harpsichordist to lust over me it would be.

Important Background

I feel that before I can go any further in these stories some background knowledge should be built. The first and most important thing to understand is that I am 6'1 and have been that height since the end of 7th grade. Apparently I look "mature" for my age...which is a nice way for people to tell me that I look old! I'm 21 (and often get mistaken as 30, but it's my personal belief that anyone who believes I could be in my 30's is absolutely crazy and needs to be reeducated on the connection of people and their age. I grew up in the beautiful state of Colorado where the sun shines 300 days out of the year. I am now residing on the Eastern side of Washington state and it's lovely except there's no sunshine our mountains. I love to cook and bake and host parties where I can cook or bake for other people and make them happy! I contra dance (an awesome old folk dance similar to the dancing in "Pride and Prejudice" but faster and way more fun!) I enjoy Country music, Jazz, Bluegrass, Show-tunes, and old time folk music.

For now I think that's all of the important information that anyone would need to know about me.